I have a bone to pick. No, really I do.

Archive for May, 2011

For A Dog To Blog

As a dog, it ain’t easy to blog. I got a lot on my mind and I don’t always wanna share it, you know. And there are so many other things I’d rather be doing than writing words, things of importance such as eating and sleeping and smelling and relieving myself on a tree. Which is why I like to let The Dog Runner take over blogging sometimes.

But when I’m ready to do it, I do it. Still, to write a really good blog, as a dog or as a human, requires a lot. Here’s how the process works for me.

First I start thinking. And the very best way for anyone to start thinking is to put on a big pair of glasses. The bigger the better. It just makes those thoughts pour out. I’m thinking of so much. I can solve the Rubic’s cube and world hunger. But I can also come up with something fun to write about. The big glasses method usually works.

Great thoughts in progress

If big glasses method fails, I go out to Central Park and look at the little boats I hate so much. I bark at them and do some more thinking. And if something pops up, I try and make sense of it. Very transcendental this method. I call it the “waiting for the ship to come in method”. I’ll get an epiphany or two every so often. Floating out there somewhere upon the open waters is a great idea waiting to be had. When I grasp it I get to writing.

Great ideas are afloat.

And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to The Dog Runner’s running shoe store. I’ll go up to the shoe mirror and do some self-reflection. Think about myself. Think about what I want to say. “What have you been up to lately?” I ask Runderdog, which is me, but also not me because I’m asking my reflection. But my reflection is actually asking me the question as well. So I think is it me or the reflection asking? Maybe neither. And sometimes this works and sometimes it makes my head hurt and makes me cranky. I call this blog-storming method “the self-reflective inspirational and sometimes torture chamber caught in a circle mirror method”.

It's not you, it's me.

If none of these methods works for thinking of a blog, then a good night’s (or day’s) sleep surely will. In this method everything comes out perfect. I write beautiful works of art and sentences come out effortlessly. Often my legs twitch and then I start to run in my dreams. Running and writing. The perfect combo. It’s called “the dream run and write method”.

Masterpiece at work


Ode to the Spirit of the Bulldog

Wine Dog just lounges around a wine shop. Occasionally he recommends a wine to someone. He’s only able to point out with his paw the bottles on the lower shelves. If he stares at the ceiling you’re just gonna have to pick a bottle on one of the higher shelves until he barks. Wine Dog is a bulldog and I’m convinced that’s why he’s working there. Bulldogs get all the cool jobs. I’m trying to figure out why.

Bulldogs look like ham on legs.

They look funny. They breathe funny. They have an underbite and snaggleteeth taken directly from some kind of medieval spike pit of doom. And then there’s that giant throw rug of a tongue. And what about all those facial wrinkles? If Joan Rivers had a worst nightmare, it would be turning into a bulldog. Plastic surgery? Oh gawd yes please! But I guess that’s part of the appeal. They’re a part of the ugly cute phenomenon. And that could be one reason why we see them everywhere.

On trucks here:

and here:

People even make cakes of bulldogs:

Yes, they’re everywhere. One could say they are the Lindsay Lohans and Charlie Sheens of dogs. But they’re better than that. They don’t do drugs or make up silly rants. Some of them do ride skateboards and even have their own tour buses:

And some of them get great seats at football games:

Uga is the mascot for University of Georgia. Following closely behind the eagle and the tiger, the bulldog is the third most popular college mascot. So, yeah, the number one dog mascot. And I believe they’re number one because there’s something unreal looking about them. They look like a cartoon. They look, well, like a mascot should look.

Looks matter to some degree. But the bulldog’s popularity has a lot to do with attitude as well. I’ve heard bulldogs called lazy. But they are also the exact opposite at times. I’ve seen them run around for hours. They’ll chase flies or ride skateboards or chew on something to complete exhaustion. So lazy is not really the most accurate description. I’ve heard them called stubborn. But anyone who truly knows the bulldog knows that stubbornness is really determination in disguise. They are determined to eat, determined to chase objects with wheels, determined to jump on objects with wheels, determined to chew cans and bottles, determined to walk in the direction they want to walk in, determined to not walk at all. It’s this kind of determination that makes them what they are. It’s the bulldog’s spirit of determination that we truly admire. One of the main reasons they are the big dog on campus.

Americans have certainly been called stubborn. We’ve definitely been called lazy. Yes, we can be both of these. But these adjectives used to describe us usually come from those who do not truly know us. Good old fashioned American determination found cures for diseases like polio. And if we appear lazy, it is only because we are resting for something bigger. Yes, we are a lot like the bulldog. We get the job done. I would say we’re ugly cute.

Go out now and find a bulldog. They’re everywhere you look. Give them a kiss (it can be an air kiss) and tell them how proud you are to be an American. And if you’re not American, just tell them how proud you are of your own country. How proud you are of them as ugly beautiful dogs. How proud you are of yourself.


The PACK–Police Against Cancer in Kids

The Dog Runner ran with some police in Central Park yesterday. They weren’t NYPD. Known as Jack’s Pack, they are a group of London Policemen who come to New York once a year to raise awareness in the fight against kid’s cancer.

This year the 92 members ran a half-marathon through Central Park. The group was featured on CBS News before the run.  JACK Foundation was formed in 2008 to bring support for Jack Brown who suffered from Neuroblastoma, an extremely aggressive children’s cancer. Go, Jack’s Pack. Fight the fight. Die Cancer.

Go Bobby Go!


Greenpees

I'm just smelling the news and checking my pee-mail.


Elmo Gets Out of Jail

Elmo was released from jail today and seen back on the street. Sources say Big Bird bailed him out. He appears here more humbled by the experience and in need of money. If you see him (last seen by Runderdog on Park Ave. and 53rd), put a quarter in his red bag and tell him you hope he’s learned his lesson about being a showoff. Give Ernie and Kermit some airtime, dude.


Wine Bulldog

Bulldogs get all the cool jobs. Wine bulldog works in a wine shop on 54th and 2nd Ave. He guards against wine theft and wine stupidity. Mainly he sleeps in his bed by the door. This is a rare photo of him standing up in his guard pose. He currently recommends the ’08 Soter Vineyards Pinot Noir.


Runderdog On The Run

I’m always on the run ’round town. I’m looking for trouble. I can smell it.


Guard Dog


WAR DOGS OF NEW YORK

People are always shouting at each other. Sirens are blaring all the time. They’re always jackhammering the streets around here. It certainly  sounds like a war zone sometimes in New York.

But really nothing we have to deal with compares to what the real war dogs go through. And our war zones have ice cream trucks (above picture).

In honor of the mystery dog who accompanied the Navy Seals who took down Bin Laden, I tried to assemble a few dog friends around town who might be good war recruits for various reasons. War dogs don’t have to all be German Shepherds and such.

WAR RECRUIT #1: DONNY THE DECOY DOG

Donny can kill the enemy with cuteness. His stare literally paralyzes.  The best way to utilize him is to have him secretly infiltrate the enemy line. Maybe parachute him in a small box with a blue bow. When the enemy forces open the box and then surround him and begin to pet him, you go in for the kill. The Donny decoy technique might only work if the enemy is a group of small dog loving women. A group of Paris Hilton clones, perhaps. They would definitely be worth fighting against.

RECRUIT #2: JEEVES THE REBEL

Jeeves has a can-do WWI type of demeanor. Small, Napoleonic field general. Good at giving orders. Good bomb sniffer. Great burier of enemy bones.

RECRUIT #3: SPACE FRENCHIE

Space French Bulldog wears a high-tech flack suit that blinds the enemy with shiny lights. He also sometimes carries a pack of Gauloises cigarettes strapped to his back to offer a friendly smoke to the enemy. As soon as they light the cigarette, the real fire comes and the enemy falls. Space Frenchie scuttles around in search of food in enemy pockets. Someone always has a doggy biscuit. Bon Appetit!

RECRUIT #4: YORKIE FRIEND

At some point the enemy is going to be tiny and they will be hiding in a tiny hole. A big German Shepherd will not be able to enter through this hole. Not delicately that is. You’ll need the teacup Yorkie for this small job. Or maybe have him crawl into those tiny spaces to undo the wiring of a bomb. Chew through the red one, Yorkie. No, the red one. No! Stop! Bad dog!

I'm in the bomb disposal unit!

Yorkie obviously could be used as a decoy similar to Donny as well. But he would prefer the bombs. Nerves of steel.


God Just Wants a High Five

That’s all. Even though his foot was on the three-point line (see him signaling that he only scored two) he would like for you to acknowledge his scoring abilities anyway. Highfive God! Nice basket!