I have a bone to pick. No, really I do.

Posts tagged “Bulldogs

Ode to the Spirit of the Bulldog

Wine Dog just lounges around a wine shop. Occasionally he recommends a wine to someone. He’s only able to point out with his paw the bottles on the lower shelves. If he stares at the ceiling you’re just gonna have to pick a bottle on one of the higher shelves until he barks. Wine Dog is a bulldog and I’m convinced that’s why he’s working there. Bulldogs get all the cool jobs. I’m trying to figure out why.

Bulldogs look like ham on legs.

They look funny. They breathe funny. They have an underbite and snaggleteeth taken directly from some kind of medieval spike pit of doom. And then there’s that giant throw rug of a tongue. And what about all those facial wrinkles? If Joan Rivers had a worst nightmare, it would be turning into a bulldog. Plastic surgery? Oh gawd yes please! But I guess that’s part of the appeal. They’re a part of the ugly cute phenomenon. And that could be one reason why we see them everywhere.

On trucks here:

and here:

People even make cakes of bulldogs:

Yes, they’re everywhere. One could say they are the Lindsay Lohans and Charlie Sheens of dogs. But they’re better than that. They don’t do drugs or make up silly rants. Some of them do ride skateboards and even have their own tour buses:

And some of them get great seats at football games:

Uga is the mascot for University of Georgia. Following closely behind the eagle and the tiger, the bulldog is the third most popular college mascot. So, yeah, the number one dog mascot. And I believe they’re number one because there’s something unreal looking about them. They look like a cartoon. They look, well, like a mascot should look.

Looks matter to some degree. But the bulldog’s popularity has a lot to do with attitude as well. I’ve heard bulldogs called lazy. But they are also the exact opposite at times. I’ve seen them run around for hours. They’ll chase flies or ride skateboards or chew on something to complete exhaustion. So lazy is not really the most accurate description. I’ve heard them called stubborn. But anyone who truly knows the bulldog knows that stubbornness is really determination in disguise. They are determined to eat, determined to chase objects with wheels, determined to jump on objects with wheels, determined to chew cans and bottles, determined to walk in the direction they want to walk in, determined to not walk at all. It’s this kind of determination that makes them what they are. It’s the bulldog’s spirit of determination that we truly admire. One of the main reasons they are the big dog on campus.

Americans have certainly been called stubborn. We’ve definitely been called lazy. Yes, we can be both of these. But these adjectives used to describe us usually come from those who do not truly know us. Good old fashioned American determination found cures for diseases like polio. And if we appear lazy, it is only because we are resting for something bigger. Yes, we are a lot like the bulldog. We get the job done. I would say we’re ugly cute.

Go out now and find a bulldog. They’re everywhere you look. Give them a kiss (it can be an air kiss) and tell them how proud you are to be an American. And if you’re not American, just tell them how proud you are of your own country. How proud you are of them as ugly beautiful dogs. How proud you are of yourself.

Don’t Ignore Me, Dog!

I’m not a big dog myself. You could put me in the small dog category. I’m part Terrier and part Dachsund. But I carry myself well. Especially out on my runs.  No one really messes with me. It’s usually a couple of friendly sniffs at the corner while we’re all waiting for the light. And then when the signal changesI give them a nice bark and run ahead on my way to run down to the river.

There are certain dogs that bark or growl at me when I run by them. Usually I could give a dog crap about these guys. I know their bark is worse than their bite. Usually they are small breeds with inferiority complexes. These little ones, the Yorkies and the Chihuahuas always wanna bark. Usually you’ll see an owner with two or three of these little guys. They seem to come in packs. And their owners tug at them while they spin around like little demons on the sidewalk. They try and get at me and I just run by and laugh. Dog Runner pulls me over to the other side of the sidewalk but I know they’re not going to get at me. Let me at ’em I say. I’ll give them a scare.

Most of the time, big breeds like Labs and Pointers want to play with me. But if they get too rough and try to jump at me, I’ll bark at them and growl myself. I don’t want a bunch of slimy gook on me. And I don’t really have time to play. Gotta run, yo!

Most of the time when I meet a dog out there, I can size him or her up in no time. Everything’s fine and dandy and we’re friends (or we’re not and the Dog Runner runs me by them really quickly). Though I gotta say there are a handful of dogs out there that really piss me off. Some of them really get under my skin on a regular basis.

They get under my skin because they ignore me. Yes, that’s right. They just flat out stare ahead like they can’t even see me, or can’t be bothered with my presence. And the Dog Runner keeps me there for whatever reason. I guess to deal with it. I don’t know. He laughs about it. It’s not funny. They really bother me, make me angry and I growl and bark and want to get after them. Take this tool of a dog for instance:

You with your ice cold stare forward -- what a @@#@%

I really let this guy have it. I sat there and barked at him for what seemed like ten minutes and nothing. I jumped at that chain link fence and I thought he would move or something. But nothing. It was cold that day so there was a slim chance he was frozen. And he hadn’t been groomed. He had grass and twigs on him so maybe he was embarrassed about that. No reason to ignore though.

What about this guy:

This little bulldog inside a furniture store really made me mad. Him and his mean stare. So I barked and scratched at the window but nothing. I couldn’t even get him to budge. Whatever, punk.

And these guys:

What’s going on in that store? No wonder you’re ignoring me. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Sometimes people ignore me. But people in New York are self-absorbed, deep in thought, in their own little worlds. I bark at them for a little bit, get it out of my system and go about my way.

This guy ignored me and I hiked my leg up and took a leak on him:

But, yeah, it’s usually the dogs, you know. Ignoring is just not nice. It’s not even nice when you get all famous and you think your doggy doo is made of roses.

This guy certain thinks so about himself:

I barked at him for a long long time. He really is larger than life in person. I didn’t expect that and I was a bit, shall we say, starstruck. I just, yeah, you know what, I just wanted an autograph. That’s all I was trying to bark at you. And you couldn’t even get off your skateboard and give me that. Whatever, fame boy. Tillman, I shall pee on your skate wheels. I’ll see you in doggy hell.